What I am suppose to do?8/17/2009
That was why I sat on the couch for almost 10 hours to finish the book! Exaggerating but true!!
I don’t know how I can express the inner gratitude for having read that book. It simply spoke to me like no one does in ages!
Like Angel, in the book, I was totally lost and confounded until God came down and touched my heart and soul. He made me understand that even though I’m a helpless sinner, He has always been there for me. He sent His only Son to die on the Cross as a symbol of love and compassion for me.
Yet I keep running away, pretending that I could make it on my own without His guiding Hand to lead me.
In times of sorrows, He would be there to show me that I have lots to be thankful for. And then I would be ashamed and fall back down on my knees and thank Him for everything He has done. And when the going gets better, there I would be again, running from Him like I am the god of my own life. I live and laugh like there’s no tomorrow and eventually slip back to my old ways, allowing my curiosity to drag me to life’s harsh realities.
And now, I feel like God is letting me decide on my own. He had done his part; He has been good and patient with me. Is he letting me choose now which direction I would take?
Sure, I’ve fallen behind my Christian ways, you know, reading the Bible and praying, I haven’t been doing it sincerely for how long I can’t remember. I act cool and composed when I’m around church folks and I seem to be doing good – in the outside.
But in the inside, I’m gnawing away in this emptiness and purposeless - ness. This dark spot seems to be growing bigger and bigger each day. Why do I feel this way? When all I ever wanted is freedom – freedom from this boredom that’s eating me away. I want to be free to explore the world and stand up on my own. And yet, whenever I try I seem to fall back to where I used to be, in my room, in my parents’ house. When will I ever experience life as its suppose to be? For once in my life, I want to see and feel how it is like to live and face the world. I know its hard, but I don’t feel it. Not with such protective parents to block everything coming my way.
I know they only want the best for me and I can’t blame them for it. They’re doing their job as loving parents and they’re doing it well. But seeing them doing their tasks – all of them knowing what they would do come next day – makes me feel like I’m totally useless here. I must do something and not just sit here all day indulging at the anonymity that the internet brings.
Oh! I’m so sick of feeling this way. I feel so envious of the people who knows what to do with their life. I thought I have the calling to be always Online – to be fidgeting with a site or something – as long as it has anything to do with a computer. But why does it feel so wrong and counterproductive?
I know that my purpose as a Christian is to give Him back all the honor and glory He’s suppose to have. But where do I start? And how? When all I’ve ever known is anything that has to do with computers. How am I ever connect that to what God wants me to do?
What I am suppose to do?
You can also purchase Redeeming Love here: